We walk down the sidewalk
in knit jackets and sneakers
just as I asked if you wished to do,
pointing out the warm color of the concrete, while
the uncertain breeze blows through,
killing from the inside,
as leaves fall and crunch beneath our feet
and I stare hard at your skull
trying to see what you really think of me and
regretting telling you incriminating thoughts.
in knit jackets and sneakers
just as I asked if you wished to do,
pointing out the warm color of the concrete, while
the uncertain breeze blows through,
killing from the inside,
as leaves fall and crunch beneath our feet
and I stare hard at your skull
trying to see what you really think of me and
regretting telling you incriminating thoughts.
The wind bites harder and I want to talk
about old-time things like the way typewriter buttons click
and how the wax would drip and roll off glowing candles,
but I think better, and stare
at the matching tears in the hems of the bottom of our jeans
that you will never notice,
and when I lift my head
as the cold washes over,
I smile and you smile, and then I stop smiling,
and our gloveless hands freeze, four inches away from each other.
about old-time things like the way typewriter buttons click
and how the wax would drip and roll off glowing candles,
but I think better, and stare
at the matching tears in the hems of the bottom of our jeans
that you will never notice,
and when I lift my head
as the cold washes over,
I smile and you smile, and then I stop smiling,
and our gloveless hands freeze, four inches away from each other.
Emily,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this poem. I particularly like the images that you paint for the reader such as "warm color of concrete" and "the wax would drip and roll off glowing candles." You have an uncanny ability to take simple images and make them mean something to me. I also really liked the line "killing from the inside" because it seemed to relate to both the wind and the person walking beside the poet narrative.
I did, however, get caught up on the 3rd line. I wasn't quite sure what you meant by "if you wished to do." I also would possibly find a different word for skull, the connotation of it seems a tad different from the tone of the rest of the poem.
Overall though I really enjoyed this poem, and I don't think you always write about simple things! And even when you do, such as with Armrest, you do so in a progressive way.
Thanks for your poem!
Hi Emily, I liked this poem a lot too. Some words here and there that can be eliminated, forming stronger liens (as opposed to sentences). For the third line, how about "just as a had asked if you had wished." "Killing from the inside" seems too strong, perhaps something more subtle. I would move "of me" in the second to the last line of the first stanza to begin the last line, and then shorten the last line to "regretting incriminating thoughts." Overall a good poem. dw
ReplyDeleteEmily,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this poem. I love all of the imagery you used while describing the beautiful autumn day such as the "leaves crunch beneath out feet" and "the wind bites harder". I also like your word choices, for they seem to relate to the simplicity of the day itself. My only suggestion would be to cut down some of the longer lines that you have, maybe by separating them into two lines or removing words. For example, I might move the phrase "like the way the typewriter buttons click" to its own line. Actually, as I am writing this, I kind of like the line the way it is. Oh well, just a suggestion. Also, I might replace the words "killing" and "skull" because they seem to provide dark images that contrast with the rest of the poem.
I loved reading this! Great job!